*  “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

*  Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

*  Is there another word for synonym?

*  When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.

*  Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game,” when we are already there?

*  Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

*  Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

*  Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

*  Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

*  Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

*  What if there were no hypothetical questions?

*  If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

*  If a pig loses it’s voice, is it disgruntled?

*  When someone asks you, “a penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Things are well…feeling well, doing well.  We bought a car last weekend that is NOT a gas-guzzler like our trailblazer.  I do LOVE our trailblazer, but she’s killin’ us with gas being 4.20/gallon.  That is just effin’ ridiculous!! 

The baby room is coming together nicely.  Lots of work has been done on the house…new carpet, paint, lighting, furniture, etc.  Soon we will be replacing the rest of the windows that haven’t been replaced yet.  And then the half bath needs to be touched up as far as paint and caulk.  And then we’re done for awhile.

My scrapbooking has been almost non-existent lately.  The last things I’ve done were helping out with baby shower invites and making things to sell.  I haven’t done a single scrapbook page for myself in probably 6 or 8 months.  That’s just sad.  BUT…I atleast still have the desire to scrapbook, just not the time or patience.  The time and the patience are easier to get back than the desire.

Sorry for the lack of updating.  Things are hectic and I feel like I’m slowly drowning on some days.  If you REALLY want to read what I write, I update FortyWeex two or more times a week…and although it’s mostly about the pregnancy/baby, atleast it’s writing!!  Cheers, all!!

Anyhoodle, I read a Myspace bulletin from him yesterday about the dreaded American cheese.  I would link it, but it wouldn’t be able to be read by my non-Myspace friends.  I am reposting it here below:

“Dear Kraft,” by Jim Gaffigan

“Dear Kraft,

I hope you are well. I wanted to write you regarding American cheese. I’d like you to stop making it please. It’s disgusting and completely unsatisfying.

Let me be clear up front. I am a huge fan of cheese. I love cheese. I realize an out of shape Midwestern guy like myself enjoying cheese this much might be rare, but I don’t care, I love cheese. Whenever I’m getting my picture taken and someone tells me to “Say cheese”, I smile because the word cheese actually makes me happy. I go to wine and cheese events just for the cheese. I bet if cows could talk and were asked what dairy product they are most proud of they would say cheese. (Let’s admit ice cream is too reliant on sugar).
Cows even look like they eat a lot of cheese.

I love all kinds of cheese too, except for American cheese. American cheese is the worst of all cheeses. Well, to be honest, I’ve never tried head cheese. That sounds like it would be pretty bad. Frankly I was shocked when I recently learned head cheese was an actual cheese. Kraft, didn’t you think head cheese was just some lame casual description for the president of an organization? Me too. Can you believe they named it head cheese? “Honey what are you gonna call that new cheese you came up with? “I was thinking head cheese”. “Oh honey”. I guess I’m not interested in eating any cheese that has a body part in the name. Wouldn’t it be awkward if the person who came up with head cheese was reading this? “Hey, my last name is Head. I wanted to name it after myself. Jeez, this Jim Gaffigan is mean. But he sure is good looking.”

Anyway back to American cheese, which is disgusting. It doesn’t taste like cheese. I think the plastic that you individually wrap the slices in is tastier. You say in your commercials there is some part of a glass of milk in every slice.  Is it the glass?

Your cheese product resembles cheese, but let’s be honest, it’s not even cheese. Why are you lying to our children? American cheese is like one of those fake presents that are just an empty box in wrapping paper.

OK here is the real reason you have to stop. Your so-called cheese is unpatriotic. Really, this is the cheese America gets? This great country that gave birth to the telephone, the car and Jesus gets this cheese? It seems like every country contributed some important cheese. Even England, which almost prides itself on their nasty bland food has Stilton blue cheese AND cheddar.  Yet, all America comes up with is the shiny gelled orange grease squares?

In summation your American cheese is bland, fake and unpatriotic.

If you can’t stop making it, is too much to ask you to change the name to Al Quaeda cheese? Kraft, I hope this letter will not stop you from watching me host Friday Night Stand Up on Comedy Central this Friday May 16th.
You’ll be able to see a bunch of sketches I did to support my upcoming Jim Gaffigan: The Sexy Tour.
I look forward to seeing you at one or all of my shows.
Your Friend,

Jim

P.S.  Yes, Kraft, all shows are available for purchase right now and open to all ages.
P.P.S.  Facebook, When I’m on TV, iLike, Demand Me, Remind me“

This is PRECISELY how I feel about American cheese and I commend Jim for finally taking a stand!!  If you enjoyed this hilarity, you should visit his Myspace page (which is public and linked above) and watch some of the clips and read some of the blog entries.  He really is hilarious!!  Hot Pockets…

3 Libras by A Perfect Circle

threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i’ve looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and you don’t see me.
but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there’s more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don’t see me.
you don’t see me at all.

It’s tough when you think you mean something to someone and it turns out that you’re just a “name in (his) recollection thrown down among a million same.”  Especially when that person is, by all moral and societal standards, “supposed to” care.  BUT…maybe “i am just expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded.”  It never occurred to me that this person was a person and not just filling a role for my needs.  Hmm…interesting.  The focus changes a couple of times in the song which makes me wonder who is to blame.  I see this person “naked and oblivious” but he “doesn’t see me.”  How can I expect something out of someone who has no ability to deliver it?

Since I’m a slacker, I’m choosing a song that is, in some way, about slacking.  Here goes…

Loser by Beck

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
Butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie
With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables
Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
Kill the headlights and put it in neutral
Stock car flamin’ with a loser and the cruise control
Baby’s in reno with the vitamin d
Got a couple of couches, sleep on the love-seat
Someone came in sayin’ I’m insane to complain
About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
Don’t believe everything that you breathe
You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
So shave your face with some mace in the dark
Savin’ all your food stamps and burnin’ down the trailer park

Yo. cut it.

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

(double barrel buckshot)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

Forces of evil on a bozo nightmare
Ban all the music with a phony gas chamber
’cuz one’s got a weasel and the other’s got a flag
One’s on the pole, shove the other in a bag
With the rerun shows and the cocaine nose-job
The daytime crap of the folksinger slob
He hung himself with a guitar string
A slab of turkey-neck and it’s hangin’ from a pigeon wing
You can’t write if you can’t relate
Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
And my time is a piece of wax fallin’ on a termite
who’s chokin’ on the splinters

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(get crazy with the cheese whiz)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(drive-by body-pierce)
(yo bring it on down)
Soooooooyy….

?em llik uoy t’nod yhw os ,ybab resol a m’I rodedrep nu yoS
[You can hear hear it if you reverse it.]

(I’m a driver, I’m a winner; things are gonna change I can feel it)

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(I can’t believe you)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(Nlehh…)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(Sprechen Sie Deutsch hier, Baby!)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(know what I’m sayin’? )

Wow!  That’s a lot of words!!  I love this song.  I’ve always loved Beck.  He is extremely creative and his music is all over the place.  This was the first Beck song that struck me.  I also love, love, love his new music.  Very different from this Loser days!

What do all these words mean?  Who knows!!  The phrase “soy un perdedor” actually means “I’m a loser.”  In an interview, Beck said he was attempting to rap like Chuck D of Public Enemy…and failed horribly.  Hence, the chorus.  Some of the most nonsensical things just make so much sense…So shave your face with some mace in the dark/Savin’ all your food stamps and burnin’ down the trailer park.  What do you all think??

1. Last music you listened to? I’m at work, so John Mellencamp on the radio

2. Last thing you watched on TV? Two and a Half Men

3. Last movie seen? In a theater-Pirates of the Carribean III/At home-Walk the Line on TV

4. Last book you read? The Pregnancy Bible

5. Last person you spoke to? Chris

6. Last thing you ate? Frosted Miniwheats with skim milk…YUMMY!

7. Last time you laughed? About 30 seconds ago

8. Last place you visited? Um…I visited the bathroom a few minutes ago.  You know, I’m pregnant, so I pee a million times a day.

9. Last website you visited? www.3dpregnancy.com

10. Last thing you scrapped/crafted? I finished a dogbone picture frame and 6 greeting cards last night.

About 2 years ago, I began getting severe pains in my left jaw.  Dentist appointments determined that I did not have any cavities.  It was decided by 3 dental students and 2 actual dentists that I had TMJ.  I need a mouthpiece the sleep at night.  Do I actually wear one?  No.  Do I even own one?  No.  Bad, bad, bad.  At the time that I was diagnosed, I didn’t have dental insurance…hence why I was seeing a friend in dental school instead of an actual dentist.  I simply didn’t have the money to have molds made of my mouth so that I could be fitted for a bite guard.  Why don’t I have one now?  Simple:  I’m lazy.

My jaw pops a million times a day…and LOUD.  Sometimes it hurts and other times I welcome the popping as it relieves the pressure.  I tried chewing gum for awhile to exercise the muscles, but that makes it worse.  If I eat extremely chewy food, it hurts for days after.  If I sleep wrong, it hurts.  It just hurts.

Since I’ve been pregnant, I’ve been having some sciatica.  Last week it was so bad that I had to sit upright on the couch for approximately 14 hours before the pain subsided.  If I step on the side of either foot instead of directly level with the floor, pains go shooting up my legs to my lower back.  I wake up at night and spend 10 minutes just rolling over because the pain (which is directly above my butt) is so bad.  No sleeping position helps.  No exercise helps.  No medicine that I can take helps.  I just deal with it.

About a year ago, I began waking up about once a week with horrible, horrible pain in the ear that I was sleeping on.  Not inside my ear, my actual external ear.  It is so bad that it brings tears to my eyes.  And just moving makes the pain worse.  Now this is happening about 4-5 times a week.  I’ve changed pillows, changed sleep positions, etc.  Nothing helps.  I sort of thought all along that this pain was related to my TMJ, but that’s never been confirmed…until today.  WebMD tells me that all three of these things are related.  Sciatica/coccyx pain can cause external ear pain.  TMJ can cause external ear pain.  Again, who knew?

So, right after this baby is born, I need to get my TMJ under control!!  The sciatica will most likely go away after having the baby, but the TMJ is something I need to deal with instead of ignore.  I hate having stuff wrong with me. 

I got this from Sigmund, Carl and Alfred, a blog that I sometimes read (it’s in my sidebar).  I have minorly altered it because, as far as I can tell, it originated in England and was a bit confusing with the different words for things (like garden for yard and crisp for chip).  There are a few that made me wonder what the hell goes on in England (like #15, 22, and 28).  But for the most part, I find these to be true (especially #3, 26 and 27).

34 Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your beer-to-bathroom cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.

4) You’re never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat the green potato chips.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your backyard.

9) Nobody ever dares make Cup-O’-Soup in a bowl.

10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

11) It’s impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

13) Rummaging in an overgrown yard will always turn up a bouncy ball.

14) You always feel a bit scared when petting horses.

15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as a kid in school is to call your teacher mom or dad.

17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

19) Every male has at some stage while taking a pee flushed halfway through and then raced against the flush.

20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

21) It’s impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee.

22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

23) You never ever run out of salt.

24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

25) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.

26) There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.

27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

29) The most painful household incident is stepping on an upturned plug while barefoot.

30) People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard.

31) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

32) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

33) Bricks are horrible to carry.

34) In every bag of potato chips there is a bad chip.

 
see more crazy cat pics

This made me laugh until I almost cried.  Knowing that Anakin was such a cute kid makes you hate Darth Vadar even more…because he is a huge “doosh.”