“American” Cheese

Many of you who know me know that I think American cheese is a total waste of space.  It’s gross.  Useless.  I hate it.  And apparently so does comedian Jim Gaffigan.  It also happens that I LOVE LOVE LOVE Jim Gaffigan.  His stand-up is the funniest I’ve seen and he’s actually a completely clean comedian.  All of his shows are open to all ages and the content is appropriate.  He can also be found on Myspace here.  He has a bit about pancakes that everyone should hear…

Anyhoodle, I read a Myspace bulletin from him yesterday about the dreaded American cheese.  I would link it, but it wouldn’t be able to be read by my non-Myspace friends.  I am reposting it here below:

“Dear Kraft,” by Jim Gaffigan

“Dear Kraft,

I hope you are well. I wanted to write you regarding American cheese. I’d like you to stop making it please. It’s disgusting and completely unsatisfying.

Let me be clear up front. I am a huge fan of cheese. I love cheese. I realize an out of shape Midwestern guy like myself enjoying cheese this much might be rare, but I don’t care, I love cheese. Whenever I’m getting my picture taken and someone tells me to “Say cheese”, I smile because the word cheese actually makes me happy. I go to wine and cheese events just for the cheese. I bet if cows could talk and were asked what dairy product they are most proud of they would say cheese. (Let’s admit ice cream is too reliant on sugar).
Cows even look like they eat a lot of cheese.

I love all kinds of cheese too, except for American cheese. American cheese is the worst of all cheeses. Well, to be honest, I’ve never tried head cheese. That sounds like it would be pretty bad. Frankly I was shocked when I recently learned head cheese was an actual cheese. Kraft, didn’t you think head cheese was just some lame casual description for the president of an organization? Me too. Can you believe they named it head cheese? “Honey what are you gonna call that new cheese you came up with? “I was thinking head cheese”. “Oh honey”. I guess I’m not interested in eating any cheese that has a body part in the name. Wouldn’t it be awkward if the person who came up with head cheese was reading this? “Hey, my last name is Head. I wanted to name it after myself. Jeez, this Jim Gaffigan is mean. But he sure is good looking.”

Anyway back to American cheese, which is disgusting. It doesn’t taste like cheese. I think the plastic that you individually wrap the slices in is tastier. You say in your commercials there is some part of a glass of milk in every slice.  Is it the glass?

Your cheese product resembles cheese, but let’s be honest, it’s not even cheese. Why are you lying to our children? American cheese is like one of those fake presents that are just an empty box in wrapping paper.

OK here is the real reason you have to stop. Your so-called cheese is unpatriotic. Really, this is the cheese America gets? This great country that gave birth to the telephone, the car and Jesus gets this cheese? It seems like every country contributed some important cheese. Even England, which almost prides itself on their nasty bland food has Stilton blue cheese AND cheddar.  Yet, all America comes up with is the shiny gelled orange grease squares?

In summation your American cheese is bland, fake and unpatriotic.

If you can’t stop making it, is too much to ask you to change the name to Al Quaeda cheese? Kraft, I hope this letter will not stop you from watching me host Friday Night Stand Up on Comedy Central this Friday May 16th.
You’ll be able to see a bunch of sketches I did to support my upcoming Jim Gaffigan: The Sexy Tour.
I look forward to seeing you at one or all of my shows.
Your Friend,

Jim

P.S.  Yes, Kraft, all shows are available for purchase right now and open to all ages.
P.P.S.  Facebook, When I’m on TV, iLike, Demand Me, Remind me“

This is PRECISELY how I feel about American cheese and I commend Jim for finally taking a stand!!  If you enjoyed this hilarity, you should visit his Myspace page (which is public and linked above) and watch some of the clips and read some of the blog entries.  He really is hilarious!!  Hot Pockets…