“American” Cheese

Many of you who know me know that I think American cheese is a total waste of space.  It’s gross.  Useless.  I hate it.  And apparently so does comedian Jim Gaffigan.  It also happens that I LOVE LOVE LOVE Jim Gaffigan.  His stand-up is the funniest I’ve seen and he’s actually a completely clean comedian.  All of his shows are open to all ages and the content is appropriate.  He can also be found on Myspace here.  He has a bit about pancakes that everyone should hear…

Anyhoodle, I read a Myspace bulletin from him yesterday about the dreaded American cheese.  I would link it, but it wouldn’t be able to be read by my non-Myspace friends.  I am reposting it here below:

“Dear Kraft,” by Jim Gaffigan

“Dear Kraft,

I hope you are well. I wanted to write you regarding American cheese. I’d like you to stop making it please. It’s disgusting and completely unsatisfying.

Let me be clear up front. I am a huge fan of cheese. I love cheese. I realize an out of shape Midwestern guy like myself enjoying cheese this much might be rare, but I don’t care, I love cheese. Whenever I’m getting my picture taken and someone tells me to “Say cheese”, I smile because the word cheese actually makes me happy. I go to wine and cheese events just for the cheese. I bet if cows could talk and were asked what dairy product they are most proud of they would say cheese. (Let’s admit ice cream is too reliant on sugar).
Cows even look like they eat a lot of cheese.

I love all kinds of cheese too, except for American cheese. American cheese is the worst of all cheeses. Well, to be honest, I’ve never tried head cheese. That sounds like it would be pretty bad. Frankly I was shocked when I recently learned head cheese was an actual cheese. Kraft, didn’t you think head cheese was just some lame casual description for the president of an organization? Me too. Can you believe they named it head cheese? “Honey what are you gonna call that new cheese you came up with? “I was thinking head cheese”. “Oh honey”. I guess I’m not interested in eating any cheese that has a body part in the name. Wouldn’t it be awkward if the person who came up with head cheese was reading this? “Hey, my last name is Head. I wanted to name it after myself. Jeez, this Jim Gaffigan is mean. But he sure is good looking.”

Anyway back to American cheese, which is disgusting. It doesn’t taste like cheese. I think the plastic that you individually wrap the slices in is tastier. You say in your commercials there is some part of a glass of milk in every slice.  Is it the glass?

Your cheese product resembles cheese, but let’s be honest, it’s not even cheese. Why are you lying to our children? American cheese is like one of those fake presents that are just an empty box in wrapping paper.

OK here is the real reason you have to stop. Your so-called cheese is unpatriotic. Really, this is the cheese America gets? This great country that gave birth to the telephone, the car and Jesus gets this cheese? It seems like every country contributed some important cheese. Even England, which almost prides itself on their nasty bland food has Stilton blue cheese AND cheddar.  Yet, all America comes up with is the shiny gelled orange grease squares?

In summation your American cheese is bland, fake and unpatriotic.

If you can’t stop making it, is too much to ask you to change the name to Al Quaeda cheese? Kraft, I hope this letter will not stop you from watching me host Friday Night Stand Up on Comedy Central this Friday May 16th.
You’ll be able to see a bunch of sketches I did to support my upcoming Jim Gaffigan: The Sexy Tour.
I look forward to seeing you at one or all of my shows.
Your Friend,

Jim

P.S.  Yes, Kraft, all shows are available for purchase right now and open to all ages.
P.P.S.  Facebook, When I’m on TV, iLike, Demand Me, Remind me“

This is PRECISELY how I feel about American cheese and I commend Jim for finally taking a stand!!  If you enjoyed this hilarity, you should visit his Myspace page (which is public and linked above) and watch some of the clips and read some of the blog entries.  He really is hilarious!!  Hot Pockets…

The Soundtrack of My Life VI

Today’s song is sort of depressing.  I do love this song, though.  It has a very deep meaning to me, as it does to most who know and love it.  I’ve been in this situation more than once and it’s difficult to deal with…and that’s an understatement. 

3 Libras by A Perfect Circle

threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i’ve looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and you don’t see me.
but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there’s more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don’t see me.
you don’t see me at all.

It’s tough when you think you mean something to someone and it turns out that you’re just a “name in (his) recollection thrown down among a million same.”  Especially when that person is, by all moral and societal standards, “supposed to” care.  BUT…maybe “i am just expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded.”  It never occurred to me that this person was a person and not just filling a role for my needs.  Hmm…interesting.  The focus changes a couple of times in the song which makes me wonder who is to blame.  I see this person “naked and oblivious” but he “doesn’t see me.”  How can I expect something out of someone who has no ability to deliver it?

The Soundtrack of My Life V

Yes, I’m a slacker.  I’m 3 weeks behind.  I’ll try and do 2 songs a week for a couple weeks.  Then I’ll be back on track. 

Since I’m a slacker, I’m choosing a song that is, in some way, about slacking.  Here goes…

Loser by Beck

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
Butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie
With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables
Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
Kill the headlights and put it in neutral
Stock car flamin’ with a loser and the cruise control
Baby’s in reno with the vitamin d
Got a couple of couches, sleep on the love-seat
Someone came in sayin’ I’m insane to complain
About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
Don’t believe everything that you breathe
You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
So shave your face with some mace in the dark
Savin’ all your food stamps and burnin’ down the trailer park

Yo. cut it.

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

(double barrel buckshot)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

Forces of evil on a bozo nightmare
Ban all the music with a phony gas chamber
’cuz one’s got a weasel and the other’s got a flag
One’s on the pole, shove the other in a bag
With the rerun shows and the cocaine nose-job
The daytime crap of the folksinger slob
He hung himself with a guitar string
A slab of turkey-neck and it’s hangin’ from a pigeon wing
You can’t write if you can’t relate
Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
And my time is a piece of wax fallin’ on a termite
who’s chokin’ on the splinters

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(get crazy with the cheese whiz)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(drive-by body-pierce)
(yo bring it on down)
Soooooooyy….

?em llik uoy t’nod yhw os ,ybab resol a m’I rodedrep nu yoS
[You can hear hear it if you reverse it.]

(I’m a driver, I’m a winner; things are gonna change I can feel it)

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(I can’t believe you)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(Nlehh…)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(Sprechen Sie Deutsch hier, Baby!)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(know what I’m sayin’? )

Wow!  That’s a lot of words!!  I love this song.  I’ve always loved Beck.  He is extremely creative and his music is all over the place.  This was the first Beck song that struck me.  I also love, love, love his new music.  Very different from this Loser days!

What do all these words mean?  Who knows!!  The phrase “soy un perdedor” actually means “I’m a loser.”  In an interview, Beck said he was attempting to rap like Chuck D of Public Enemy…and failed horribly.  Hence, the chorus.  Some of the most nonsensical things just make so much sense…So shave your face with some mace in the dark/Savin’ all your food stamps and burnin’ down the trailer park.  What do you all think??