Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes…

I will attempt to make this comprehendible.  Hopefully I am successful at atleast that…

 I need to change.  And most of you are reading this and saying to yourselves, “Yeah, don’t we all…”  But, seriously, folks…it’s for real.  About every six months or so, I go through this “thing” where I have the best of intentions, but nothing ever permanently changes.  It’s quite sad.  Really, it is.  I say this quote to quite a few people in my life…who, arguable, have WAY bigger problems than me, but that just isn’t the point: 

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.”

And there it is.  In black and white for the world to see.  I said it.  Out loud.  And more than two or three people heard/saw/read it.  And once it’s in writing, it’s true.  I can think something for weeks, months, years…but until I actually say/type/whatever it, it is just a thought.  Now it must become an action.  If I don’t DO anything, nothing will change.

I realize I’m being vague up to this point.  There are just so many things to change…or just say out loud.  I really don’t know where to start.  I’ve become a poor manager of my time.  That is probably what is weighing on me the most.  I spend countless hours cleaning, organizing, watching TV, thinking about doing things instead of actually doing them, blah, blah, blah.  I don’t count blogging because I really don’t spend that much time blogging…and blogging is my therapy.  I DO count MySpace time, which has rapidly decreased since I found almost everyone I was looking for…except one.  Or two.  However you want to count it.

I don’t spend enough time EXERCISING, reading, playing with my dogs, talking to husband, SEEING (not emailing) my friends, etc.  I do realize that cleaning is imperative, but come on.  Seriously.  I can only do it so much.  I need to work on KEEPING things clean instead of letting it get out of hand and then addressing it.  Our house is teeny, so the clutter consumes the house very quickly.  If I’d just put shit away to begin with, the world would be a better place. 

Exercising was in caps for a reason.  Okay, I lied up there.  The time management issue is second.  My self-image is first and foremost.  I don’t like where it’s going.  There are days when I just FEEL unhealthy.  I look bad in my opinion.  And everyone is entitled to a bad day every now and then, but when I go from 1 day of feeling/looking bad to 10 days of looking/feeling good to maybe a 3 bad:10 good ratio, it’s bad.  20 pounds would be perfect.  I just need to DO it.  Don’t talk about it or write about it or sulk about it (which seems to be my favorite these days)…just effin’ DO it.  It isn’t that difficult.

And what am I worried about?  Does it matter?  NO.  It doesn’t.  No amount of fear should stop me from changing the way I feel about myself.  I think everyone is just a little afraid of change.  But it’s a good thing, right?  Right?  Hello?  Anyone?

That’s right…no one wants to admit it.  But change IS good.  It helps me grow as a person…and that IS sort of my life philosophy.  When I stop growing, I stop living.  I can never learn too much or know too much or be too healthy or be too happy.  And all of those things are related to my inner-growth.  And it’s not a tumor!  It’s good.  A good thing.  I’m rambling.

So, where was I?  Time management-check.  Image of self-check.  Oh yeah…my neuroticism about people coming to my house…actually, people in general.  I am, at this point, not mad at anyone.  I was never MAD at anyone.  And I will not attempt to explain everything.  If you’d like to know, let me know and we’ll talk.  I think Holly and my husband know about my issue with people, but that’s it.  I’m just going to have to stop planning things out so strictly and just go with it.  I had a great time at our party on Saturday…and only 10 people were there.  I planned for 16.  20 said for sure that they’d be there.  There were a few people who I was unsure of…who I either invited at the last minute, they had other plans/had to work, or they have kids.  But there are others who just didn’t make any attempt to let me know I would not be seeing them.  And if I would have planned for 10 people, 20 would’ve shown up.  That’s just the way the world is.  So, out with the planning.  In with the “just going with it.”  And this one will be very difficult.  And will take precious time.

So, enough rambling.  I’m in a funk and could write about it for hours to come, but that doesn’t CHANGE anything.  It just doesn’t.  And it brings to light more things that I need to deal with.  But, for now, we’ll go a little at a time.  And this is enough for me for now.  I’ll start working on these….right…..NOW.