A Plethora of Slapdashery

Isn’t that fun?  It really just means a bunch of random thoughts, but “Random Thoughts” is just boring as a title.  So, I’m sticking with the “Plethora of Slapdashery.”

 So, about the miscarriage and the doctor and what-have-you…I have to keep going to the doctor to get blood drawn until my HCG is zero…or negative…or something.  I went to get blood drawn last Wednesday, the 5th.  Actually, I went Tuesday, the 4th, but the phlebotomist (another fun word, by the way) stuck me 3 times and couldn’t get any blood.  She told me to come back the next day and to drink LOTS of water before I came.  So I did.  And it still took 2 tries.  What the hell?  I’ve never had this problem.  So, the phlebotomist says that I should wait for the doctor to call me to tell me if I have to come back again or if the HCG went to whatever and I wouldn’t have to come anymore.  They called me this morning.  Actually, the nurse called my cell phone this morning.  Here is the conversation:

Nurse:  Hi, this is Brandy from Dr. Davidson’s office.  Who is this?

Me:  (a confused look on my face since she called my CELL phone) Umm…..this is D.

Nurse:  Good.  I was hoping it was you.  Anyway, has anyone called you to tell you that you need to come back every week to get blood drawn until your HCG is negative?

Me:  No.  The phlebotomist told me to wait for your call so you could tell me if I need to come back or not.  (thinking, “Can something be negative? Doesn’t that just make it non-existent?”)

Nurse:  Well, you need to come back every week. 

Me:  So, there is still HCG in my blood?

Nurse:  You need to come back every week.  Did you come last week?

Me:  Yes, on Wednesday.

Nurse:  Okay, then come this Wednesday, too.

Me:  Okay.  Whatever.

I have NO problems with anyone in my doctor’s office except this one particular person.  She doesn’t do her research first.  This is the third time she’s called me without having her shit together.  Everyone else who has called me has checked my file FIRST for pertinent information and THEN called me.  My phone rings again five minutes later…and it’s the doctor.  I answer and she hangs up on me.  My phone rings yet again about 10 minutes after that.  I answer.  And the conversation:

Nurse:  Hi, this is Brandy from Dr. Davidson’s office.  Who is this?

Me:  I’m still the same person.

Nurse:  Okay, D, I checked your file and your HCG is actually higher.  It went up.

Me:  That’s isn’t good.

Nurse:  No, it isn’t.  Have you had any pain?

Me:  (I won’t go into the detail of what I had to tell her…you don’t want to hear that.  Trust me.)

Nurse:  Okay, well if you have any pain, call us IMMEDIATELY or go STRAIGHT to the emergency room.  Do NOT second guess the pain.  Just GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!

Me:  Okay, why?

Nurse:  Because this could mean that your pregnancy is ectopic…

Me:  So, should I come in today for a blood draw or still wait until Wednesday?

Nurse:  Oh, just come in on Wednesday.

What?!?  She’s so worried about me that she tells very sternly to go to the emergency room, but she doesn’t want me to come in 2 days early to check the HCG?  Whatever, I guess.  I feel fine.  I’ll go to the ER if I need to.  Stupid Brandy.

In other news, I saw my dear friend Holly this weekend.  We hadn’t seen each other for a LONG ASS time, but things weren’t really awkward like I was expecting.  She’s doing well and looks great and is married to an awesome guy and she has some great friends!  We had alot of fun with them.  We stayed out until 3am.  Haven’t done that in awhile and we definitely paid for it on Sunday.  And I broke my toe.  It isn’t actually broken, but it looks really gross…a huge bruise and blister and my toenail turned blue.  I think it’s going to fall off.  The nail, not the toe.

Oh…and I went to ITHL HQ today (you know, WalMart).  They were fixing some shelving in the toilet paper row…at both ends of the row.  You couldn’t get in…and if you managed to get in, then you couldn’t get out.  There were about 10 of us trapped in the TP row at WalMart.  And I’m here to tell you, that is NOT a good place to be trapped.  Trust me.

Laugh For The Day

This totally cracks me up…

…that’s all.

One Week Later…

So, today marks one week from the dreaded event.  I am doing great!  Should I be?  Who knows.  But I am, nonetheless.

I have done soooo much thinking and planning and talking with people that it’s like I’m actually a part of the real world again.  It’s kind of nice.  You know, I don’t really like the real world, but I need it.

I realized that after coming back to work on Tuesday, I needed that 4 days to deal with things…most importantly, myself.  And, boy, do I HATE dealing with myself.  I’m difficult, hard-headed, indecisive and worst of all, hard on myself.  It was awkward to come back.  Knowing that people all around you are thinking of you and silently feeling sorry for you (or not…because some of them HATE me) is a little uncomfortable.  One guy came to me as I was typing and patted me on the back and said, “I don’t know what to say, so I’m just going to pat you.”  And that was one of the best non-hug responses I got. 

Others have really struggled with what to say.  My dear friend Meg said in an email, “Remember, it’s more awkward for them than it is for you.”  And, geez, she was right!  I have heard many inspirational stories of women who have miscarried and have gone on to have healthy pregnancies.  I am simply AMAZED at the amount of support I have behind me.  I feel very lucky to have such awesome friends and family.

I am also amazed that my old but new-found MySpace friends have been so supportive.  I joined MySpace on August 14th and then frantically began searching for old friends.  I just felt I needed to find them.  Approximately 4 hours later, I found out I was pregnant.  (Cue Twilight Zone music.)  So very strange.  I needed those people whether I want to admit it or not.

So, to everyone, Thank You for your support and kind words and HUGS!  You have all been wonderfully helpful and understanding.  Peace out…

Worst. Experience. Ever.

If you are a facts kind of person, I won’t embed them in this entry.  Here they are: 

Late last week, I had a miscarriage.  I am physically okay, but still healing mentally.  This has been very difficult for me.

If you want to know how I feel about things, here it is:

From the VERY beginning of this pregnancy, I felt that something was wrong.  I don’t mean a physical “wrong” feeling.  I just felt like the events that were unfolding were unfolding at the wrong time in the wrong place with the wrong circumstances.  I did not mentally or emotionally attach myself to the pregnancy because of these feelings.  And it seems that it may have been a good idea…or not.

I forced myself to be okay with being pregnant.  I read all I could find about being pregnant.  I went to baby stores and looked at baby furniture and talked to Chris about baby names.  I did whatever I could to make myself excited about it.  Hell, I even bought a onesie that cost me $18.00 and just kept it in the living room so I’d have to see it everyday.  I told all of my family and friends as soon as I found out.  I mapped out a “hopes and dreams for baby” mini-scrapbook to make at a convention next weekend.  I bought a book to read.  And I subscribed to websites that send me emails of what is happening to my body and my baby’s body week-by-week.  And now I have to temporarily reverse everything.  And the reversal is the most difficult part.  How do you tell the MOST EXCITED two sets of grandparents EVER that they are going to have to wait a few more months?

I realize that about 25% of women will experience miscarriage in their childbearing years.  And of that 25%, atleast 85% of those women will have another healthy pregnancy.  Does that make it better?  Absolutely not…they are just numbers.  I realize that I didn’t do anything to make this happen.  I took vitamins.  I started eating healthier.  I don’t smoke.  I didn’t drink.  I exercised a fair amount.  Do all of these factors take away 100% of my guilt and sadness?  Not on your life.  Husband even MADE me say out loud, “This is NOT my fault.”  And I said it and I even believe it, but it still hurts.  My analytical, rational mind is getting in the way of my FEELINGS.  Everything in my life has to have a purpose, a reason.  I can never just feel a feeling.  I have to rationalize it.  And I think that is where I’m going wrong here.  I can’t deal with things because I can’t rationalize them.

I am struggling.  I need lots of hugs.  I need people to understand and be patient with me, as I do still burst into tears at any given moment.  In the past 4 days, I’ve only done things to occupy my mind…clean the house, cook, help build a shed, clean some more, watch mindless TV…you get the idea.  I have not stepped a foot into the scrapbook room.  I haven’t been around hardly any people.  I have only minimally talked about my feelings and only to husband.  I will talk, but in my own time.

I also realize that this doesn’t necessarily mean that I will not be able to have a healthy pregnancy in a few months.  And we do plan to try again.  Soon.  When the time is right.  And I won’t force myself to feel ANYTHING.  I will feel how I feel and that’s it.  If I don’t want to be happy, I won’t be.  Atleast until I know it feels ”right.”  And remember, keep the hugs coming…