A Friend of a Friend

I love all of my friends.  Um…if I didn’t love them, they wouldn’t be my friends.  I don’t really have groups of friends (you know, my “high school friends,” my “college friends,” my “work friends,” etc.), although I do have friends who’ve never met and probably will never meet.  I don’t do this intentionally; that’s just the way things are.  If an occasion did arise that brought two groups of my friends together, I’d be ecstatic!! 

There was one incident where husband and I were friends with a married couple…and then something happened where we just weren’t really friends with them anymore.  They proceeded to “steal” the friends that I had that they’d met through me. (did that make ANY sense?)  And that’s just childish.  They’d invite these other people to their house for parties and such and not invite us.  Let’s grow up, people. 

Anyhoozy, beside that one incident which really isn’t even relevant now that I think about it, I’ve never NOT wanted my friends to be friends with one another.  And I’ll never understand why people do this.  If the groups don’t get along with one another, that’s one story…but keeping them separated for the sake of keeping them separated is just crazy to me.  It’s just beyond me.

I have a friend, we’ll call her Gretel (because that’s the best husband could come up with when I asked him, “What’s a funny girls name?”).  I’ve known Gretel for awhile now and I seem to be her “secret” friend.  And, I realize, I have some explaining to do…

Husband and I have been out with Gretel and her husband Hansel (haha…that was all me, baby!) a handful of times in the last, oh, 2 years.  We’ve been to a few multi-group functions (birthdays, holiday parties, etc.) with them and we’ve gotten along MARVELOUSLY with their other friends.  I was even asked at the last multi-group function by a friend from the other group, “Hey, why don’t you guys come out with us more often?”  Hmm, now I’m confused.

Why do Hansel and Gretel keep us away from their other friends?  I’ve been friends with Gretel forEVER.  I may even call her my best friend at this point.  But I can’t be around her other friends?  And lately, I’ve come to realize that I’m now WAY less important than the other group (actually it’s just 2 people…can’t really call that a group I guess).  When I call them and ask them to come out with us, I get, “We can’t we’re going out with…”  That one is fine because it implies prior plans.  My favorite is when I ask her to do something and she says she has family/work/whatever issues.  I call her after the weekend, ask her what she did, and she says, “I went to the bar with “other group.”  It’s just hurtful.

When did I get shoved to the bottom of the barrell?  And WHY?  Last week, she called me and we got into a little tiff.  I told her that she and whoever she wanted to bring were invited to a party that we’re having soon.  Her husband responded that maybe they’d come.  I said EXACTLY this sentence in a normal voice…”Okay, well I’d love it if you’d come, but if you can’t, that’s okay too.”  I immediately got a “What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?” out of her.  I just meant that if you come, wonderful, if you can’t, I won’t be mad…that’s it (remember:  sometimes a cigar is just a cigar).  She continued to tell me that if she didn’t come, she had a good reason and I didn’t show up to all her stuff…and my response was, “All WHAT stuff? I’ve been invited to your house TWICE and out with your friends TWICE.  And of all of those, I didn’t come ONCE because I was spending time with family.  So…all WHAT stuff?”  And I proceeded to tell her that I was very accustomed to her not showing up.   And it pretty much ended there.

Another friend of mine has made the suggestion that her other friends like husband and I and that Hansel, and mainly Gretel, feel threatened by that.  And while I think this is TOTALLY plausible, it makes me sad that they’d be threatened by us.  We’re SUPPOSED to be friends.

So…if you’re still with me (hey, thanks.  that was a long rant) and 1. Want to comment, 2.  Have been in this same situation 3.  Know what the HELL I should do, or 4.  Know WHY people keep their friends separated, PLEASE leave a comment or something.  I’d love some insight…

Choose Wisely

I looked at PostSecret sort of late this week.  This postcard struck me…and I’m not sure in what way:

Please do not think for a moment that this applies to me.  I’ll clear that up RIGHT NOW.  Those that know me know that I am a firm believer in the fact that EVERY situation is a choice…even if it is a difficult or bad one…a choice to get help, a choice to remove yourself from a situation, a choice to cut ties that may seem important, a choice to get so very drunk that you puke a million times and end up in the Putnam County Hospital,  a choice to be happy about your life and yourself.  Even a choice to NOT choose is still a choice…and that is the WORST choice to make.

I know so many people that seem to be more happy when they are just plain miserable.  I’m not sure if I could live my life that way.  I hate drama and I hate to be miserable.  When I’m pissed off, I know that it is MY choice to be that way.  Do I always know right away how to fix it?  Hell no!  Sometimes it takes some time…but a choice that I can make immediately is how this “pissed-offness” affects others.  I can either choose to treat others badly because of my OWN attitude, or I can channel those feelings into something productive…like blogging!

I write to keep myself sane.  When no one else is there, the pen and paper (er, keyboard) are there.  When I don’t feel like talking to anyone or I fear hurting someone’s feelings, the pen and paper are there.  I also scrapbook, clean, play with my dogs, exercise, cook, organize things, etc.  I am very good at channeling anger, sadness, melancholy, giddiness, etc.  It’s not a bad skill to have.

I very rarely project my feelings onto undeserving people.  I am not saying I’m perfect.  I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.  When I make the wrong choice by taking it out on someone, I then make another choice to right my wrong.  I’ve burned enough bridges in my life and I choose to not do it anymore.  It all comes down to personal choice.  Choose happiness.

So, I challenge you…MAKE A DIFFICULT CHOICE.  It is, as the name says, difficult, but it is also very rewarding.  Choose happiness instead of misery.  Choose channeling instead of projecting.  If you need help, choose to find it…even if it’s help from a friend.

Crackin’ me up…

This is freakin’ hilarious to me!!!  I challenge all of you with blogs to post this…it’s great!

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car): Morgan Trailblazer
2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie): Chocolate Mint Sugar
3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name): D Wie
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal): Green Penguin
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born): Marie Indianapolis
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first): WieDa
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink): The Red Corona
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers): DeLoyd Harry
9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Curve RedVine (I swear I didn’t do this to make it sound funny!)
10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ): Sue Bruce
11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter) Loduca Lancaster (couldn’t think of another major city that starts with L)
12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Tulip
13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”): Strawberry Poloy
14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Shredded Wheat Weeping Willow (that’s a mouthful!)
15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”): The Scrapbooking Breeze Tour

Parallel Lives

I met with an old friend last night.  I haven’t seen her since 1998.  We were very good friends until high school and then we sort of went our separate ways.  We were in classes together and still talked to one another, but nothing deep or serious…just your basic small talk.

I saw her, we’ll call her L, about a year ago at Taco Bell, but I didn’t speak to her.  I was nervous that she was a different person and that I’d burned a bridge along the way by not keeping in contact with her.  You just never know how someone will react when you haven’t seen or talked to her in almost 10 years.  You just don’t know.

I still talk to a few people from high school and the majority of them no longer associate with the vast majority of our class…and they like it that way.  They hide (or atleast divert themselves) from old friends/enemies/acquaintances when they see them in public.  And I have to say that I was in that category until a few months ago.  I LOVED not having contact with people who knew the old me.  I’m not THAT different, but I am different, nonetheless.  I didn’t have many people that I called friends in high school.  Only a select few people really knew me…and, unfortunately, I had terrible “falling-out” experiences with most of them.  Was that my fault?  Could be…I don’t even remember.  I just remember that I no longer wanted to surround myself with the drama they brought into my life.

L and I were different.  We never had a falling-out, we simply went separate ways (or so we thought).  And last night, we discovered how alike our lives are…and how alike they’ve been for some time now.  It’s a little frightening…to see someone you haven’t seen in forever and see so much in common.  And these are significant things.  I sort of felt like I had entered the Twilight Zone.

We talked for about 2 and a half hours…and could’ve talked for 10 times that.  I really felt some sort of connection there.  Again…Twilight Zone.  I’m not so great at connecting.  But when I do, it’s a HUGE connection.

I hope to see her again…and soon.  I think we could be friends.  And that’s what it’s all about…surrounding myself with boring…er, nondramatic people (sorry, L!  Didn’t mean it that way!).  I like the mellow lifestyle.

In the Blink of an Eye

My friend from yesterday saw his blog entry on my blog and liked it so much that he started his own!!  Geez, that was fast!  It only took about 4 hours for him to decide that he should blog.  Anyway, I wanted to take this opportunity to introduce 2, yes-count them, 2 new blogs in my “I Stalk…” category:

life is but a dream

Through A Squinted Eye

Two more on the blog bandwagon!!  I love it.  These two people are very near and dear to me, so please give them a read.  They are both new, so bear with them as they get things situated and set up.  And they are both wonderful writers.

The Middleman

So, I have a friend who is an extraordinary writer, but he REFUSES to have a blog.  Maybe he thinks it’s too much work.  Or he won’t have enough stuff to write about.  Or it means he’s succumbing to a new era.  But I’m here to tell you that ALL of those are FALSE.  He knows it isn’t that much work.  He has an assload of things to write about and he will ALWAYS succumb to a new era because he never wants to grow up or get old.

He presented me with a blog entry today, but I refuse to post it as my own work.  It is as follows…

Upon deliberating the antiquities of existentialism for a topic to expound, only one matter seemed urgent.  Pot holes, chuck holes (poor Charlie), or wonderous caverns capable of swallowing a VW bug…but I digress.  The matter of a threatening obstacle among one’s course, amidst the already chaotic roads flooded with inadequate fellow drivers seems unconquerable.  As one swerves from this menacing abyss, the onslaught of idiots to this action is like the attraction of metal shavings to a magnet.

Why is it so hard to fill this void?  With removing one hazard, another begins…road construction!  A mystical land of beings without brains in motion with a 2000 pound impact.  Moreover, after a 4-month long repair of driving in a land of zombies, the freedom of safe driving may last a mere six months.  A sad tragedy Shakespeare may be envious of creating.

Thus, as I drive along an “off-road” road, I do not swerve away.  Rather, I veer toward the pit of despair aware that it atleast keeps me from the hell of other drivers.

 So, there you have it.  His first blog entry…

Just a Cigar

“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”  This quote is accredited to Sigmund Freud.  Who knows if he really said it.  The meaning behind it is that sometimes things are really what they appear to be.  There is no need to delve into a lengthy explanation.  There is no alterior motive.  There is not an alternative meaning.  It is what it is.

Not for me.  Almost always, I analyze things until I can’t even stand it.  I’ve done this for as long as I can remember.  There are a some things that I can let go, but they are few and far between.  I have spent the last week analyzing a multitude of things.  Here is a small list:

 1.  I’ve been having very vivid dreams of having a child.  It is a boy and he is a very young baby.  In these dreams, there is a very, VERY strong sense of bonding.  He looks at me and smiles and my heart melts.  I help him with things and he loves me and…WOW…it’s just so vivid.  The sense of bonding is just crazy.  I wake up and expect to be happy because, in my mind, these dreams mean that I WANT a baby.  I WANT that bond.  I’m READY for that.  But it isn’t there.  Not yet.  And I feel a sense of emptiness.  And then the devil’s advocate in my mind comes out and I begin to think that these dreams mean that I am scared to death of this and I won’t know how to handle it.  And the truth is that I do have trouble bonding with people.  It is often very awkward for me.  I have a few VERY close friends.  Everyone else is an acquaintance.  I don’t necessarily like it that way and I’d like to change it, but change is definitely not an overnight process.

2.  A member of my family is going through something…I’m not sure what to call it.  We were once very close and now he seems to have other priorities.  I also have other priorities…it isn’t the priorities that I’m worried about.  But I also know that phones work two ways.  If I can call someone, that person can also call me.  Why am I expected to be the one to drive to his house, make the phone calls, do all the “trying?”  When he found out that I was pregnant, his response was along the lines of, “Well, if you’re happy, I’m happy.  You know this means you can’t drink beer for awhile, right?”  I know that we caught alot of people off guard since most people thought that we’d never have kids, but damn!  Can’t a sister just get an “I’m happy for you.” from a relative?  I’m very perturbed by this.  What went wrong?  Maybe it has nothing to do with me.  Maybe he is just overwhelmed with other more important things in his life.  But then why treat me like I’m just a schmoe?

3.  I saw my dad today at work and he handed me a little snoopy/odie (hell, it’s one or the other) bracelet from a gum machine or something and said, “Remember this?”  I do not remember.  He told me that I hung it on the rearview mirror of his pickup truck a VERY long time ago.  I believe him, but I’d like to remember for myself.  I’m seriously KILLING myself over this.  My dad presented me with a memory that he obviously cherishes…one that is a GOOD moment between the two of us.  Hell, he kept this little bracelet for over 20 years.  I want so badly to remember it, too.  And I can’t.  And then I thought he was giving me the bracelet back.  So, I took it and hung it around my rearview mirror.  And then it occurred to me that maybe he wasn’t giving it back.  He just wanted me to see that he kept it.  I don’t want to take this memory away…by either keeping this bracelet or NOT remembering and him second-guessing himself.  And I don’t want to give it back if he was giving it to me sort of as a “remember when things were easy” type of thing.  That would be sort of insulting in my opinion.  What the hell do I do?

 So, as you can see, a cigar is NEVER just a cigar in my life.  And I tend to beat myself up over things like the above.  I just don’t know how NOT to do that.  Any suggestions?

You are cordially invited…

In the past few weeks, I’ve discovered that there are many more people reading my blog than I thought!  This is both very exciting and very disconcerting.  Exciting because people are actually reading.  Disconcerting because people aren’t identifying themselves. 

I ALWAYS welcome blog comments.  I would LOVE to have some commentary on my life.  Please feel free.  I would also like to add to my “Reading Material” category over on the right.  If you are unsure of how to comment, here’s how:

1.  Scroll to bottom of post you’d like to comment on.

2.  Click on the link that says “No Comments” or, if there are comments on that post, it will say “1 Comment.”

3.  After clicking, you will be presented with the post and at the bottom there will be a box that says “Leave a Reply.”

4.  Fill in fields in “Leave a Reply” and click “Submit Comment.”

And voila!!  I will receive an email saying that you’ve left me a comment.  I will then read and approve it, or not approve it if you state that you don’t want others to read it, and we’ll all be happy!

 So, if you are reading my blog and you have a blog or MySpace page or an email address or whatever, please leave me a comment so I can read about your stuff and write to you and then everything will be peaches and cream.  So, here is your invite…PLEASE LET ME KNOW YOU’RE READING!  I’d love to hear from you!

My Maxximum

I’ve been thinking about Maxx alot lately.  I’ll share the brief version of the story for those who don’t know…

 We adopted Maxx from the shelter in 2003.  He was a hellion at first, being from the shelter and all.  He had a home before, but we think he was abused.  He chewed EVERYTHING in sight.  He tormented Morgan.  And he loved to get socks out of the laundry and the dresser.  After about 6 months, he became the best, sweetest little dog ever.  He turned out to be exactly the dog we’d hoped for.  I love that dog more than life itself.  And Morgan loved him even more.

In February of 2006, he got sick.  It came all of a sudden…one Saturday morning he went out to go potty.  He saw something outside the fence and started barking like crazy (you know, normal Maxx).  It was early, so Chris looked out the back door to tell him to be quiet…and then he collapsed.  He did this collapsing thing 3 more times, so I called the vet.  We took him to the vet and they kept him for a few hours for some x-rays and stuff.  When we went to pick him up, the doctor told us that he had an enlarged heart that was pushing up onto his esophagus, hence the reason he coughed alot when he got all worked up.  His heart wasn’t pumping blood to the back end of his body, hence the collapsing.  That was his body’s way of safely shutting down.  The doctor gave us our options…which included keeping him on steroids until his little heart just eventually gave out, or expensive surgery that probably wouldn’t work.  And if it did work, Maxx wouldn’t have a very good quality of life.  For those of you who knew the Maxx, you know that he wouldn’t be the same if he weren’t able to be the nut that he was.  Doctor gave us until Monday to make a decision.  Until then, Maxx was to do NOTHING except go to the bathroom, eat and lie down.

Chris, Morgan, Maxx and I all slept on the floor in the living room that Saturday night.  At about midnight, Maxx lost control of this bodily functions.  We then knew that it was time to do the horrible deed.  I drove us to the emergency vet.  Maxx passed away in the back seat with Chris at about 1 am.

Maxx died a year and a half ago.  And it still isn’t any easier.  I still miss him EVERY day.  And I still love him more than life.  When I lost him, I lost a part of me.  And in difficult times, like lately, I miss him even more.

Morgan and Maxx at Lake Freeman.  They sure love to fetch the stick!

 

Chris and the boys at McCormick’s Creek…one of their favorite places.

Moe and Maxx sleeping on the couch

 

One of my favorite pics of Maxx…just guarding his bone!

 

This is how I choose to remember Maxx.  He was always smiling and wagging his tail…even when he was in trouble.

I apologize for the sad post, but this is what I’ve been thinking about.  I miss him.  He was my baby and it’s been very difficult to live without him.

Another Dose of Slapdash

I went for the blood draw yesterday and I did NOT have to see Brandy.  Thank you, Karma.  I must have treated you well.  The phlebotomist had to take my blood from the middle of my forearm.  That’s sort of painful.  Nothing I can’t handle, just a little uncomfortable. 

I had a dream a couple nights ago that I had a baby.  I also had a toddler girl named…are you ready for this?…Sevenina.  If anyone would have ANY idea of where I had ever previously heard that name, or word, or whatever, let me know.  I have not the slightest idea of where it came from.  Chris has already vetoed it.  So, it’ll never really happen.

Now…this one has been stewing for a couple of weeks.  I just had other things to focus on…

On Labor Day, a certain side of my family that I do not associate with had a get-together.  I received a message from G, a member of that side of the family, saying that she’d like for husband and I to come.  Of course, I did NOT go….what, with all the miscarriage stuff going on (I don’t think they even knew I was pregnant), the fact that they don’t care about my get-togethers (you know, it was only my WEDDING), and the fact that they’re all CRAZY.  My brother, on the other hand, did go.  His wife, S, was in the house with some people while my brother, T, was outside.  Someone, who isn’t really even a family member, proceeded to tell everyone what a horrible person I am for not speaking to the family, going to holiday parties, never answering their phone calls, etc.  And then there was some discussion on the matter.

Now, you tell me…why would I want to go somewhere where I am talked about even when I am not there to defend myself?  There are so many unresolved issues that this NON-family member doesn’t have the slightest effin’ clue about, yet she talks about it anyway.  My choice to cut them out didn’t happen overnight.  The choice was made after a few minor incidents paired with one HUGE incident mixed with ALOT of snap judgments and a multitude of sticking one’s nose where it does NOT belong…and then I was just done.  I don’t need to be judged by people who have no business judging.  And trust me, they should NOT be judging.  I don’t have the energy for it, let alone the patience.

So, there!  I had even thought that maybe, just maybe, I’d go to the next get-together.  Not now.  I’d rather stay home and watch Scrubs.  Or go to the license branch…and you all know how much I HATE that.